Control Freak Confessions

It’s been quite a long while since I last sat to write here; not because of lack of subjects to cross my mind; more a lack of time to write my thoughts down! Many days during my devotions I think, “Wow this would be a great subject to write about!” And often while I’m in the shower my mind debates Theology and things I’ve learned/read in God’s Word. Oh if I could just write all those thoughts down! J

Today, as the title of this blog indicates, I’m going to confess an area of my own heart, one of those nasty areas that seem to plague women especially, and a subject that we often try to avoid.

Control.

There. I said it. Dirty word, isn’t it?

Time to be brutally honest. C’mon, you know you’re guilty too. It’s that part of us that wants to have the reigns in our hands, our world in a neat little box, the desire to make everything fall into place in what we conclude to be “perfect”. You know what else it is?

Selfish.

Oooo. Two dirty words in a row! Think about it for a minute. Can you possibly remove selfishness from the definition of control? Let’s look at what the dictionary says: Control –-  1.  to exercise authority or power over something. 2. to limit or restrict something or someone.

It’s that second definition that really sticks out to me. The words “limit” and “restrict”. You see…God has been working on my heart, showing me with brutal honesty just how much I have to let go of control. Truth is, He’s been teaching me this lesson for many years now, and while I know it will be a constant theme in my life; right now it has taken a renewed spot center stage as God molds me into the woman He desires me to be.

When I stop to think about what I desire for my life, my husband and my son; the words “limit’ and “restrict” just really don’t fit into the picture. But, I know my heart, and I know how often I try to control circumstances, situations, and sadly even the very people I love on occasion. If I remove the word “control” and say that I am limiting and restricting the circumstances, situations, and people I love… my gosh, what potential wonderful things am I throwing a wall in front of?

I’ve had to ask myself, “What causes me to desire to control things?”

The answer: FEAR.

Yep. There’s dirty word number three. If I dig right down to the very core of what makes me tick; what makes me respond negatively, or attempt to put the brakes on; it’s almost always fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of the what-ifs, sometimes seemingly legitimate fear, and sometimes completely irrational fear. It’s the driving force behind my attempts to control life around me.

I’ve gone round and round with God on this subject before, and while I do have to happily point out that this time is nowhere near as brutal as the last time (yeah, it was ugly) …dang it hurts! Really, I mean…who wants to look in the mirror and say, “Control freak” and realize it’s your reflection staring back at you?! Ok, I’m being melodramatic, but in all seriousness…this is NOT WHAT GOD WANTS FOR US DEAR LADIES!!

Time to throw out some good words, words that God has been teaching me and using in my life to mold me and shape me into something beautiful.

Submission.

How many of you balk as soon as you read that word? I used to. In fact, there’s still a part of me that squirms and thinks, “No!” But…I’m learning, and watching my heart change as I strive to submit; to let go when everything in me wants control. I love this verse from James 4, “Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” (v.7)  As I studied this today, it dawned on me…when I want to take control; I’m not resisting the devil. You see, Satan wants me to take control of my life. If I’m the one calling the shots, handling the reigns, in the driver’s seat, whatever metaphor you want to give it…then God CAN’T be. If I’m in control, God isn’t in control. And when I get right down to it….which would I really prefer? My finite, pitiful mind full of the sinful nature to be ruling my life, or the infinite, all-powerful, all knowing Prince of Peace, Creator of Heaven and Earth to rule me….which do I want? Well, the answer is pretty obvious…but sadly I don’t always live that way. Which is why… I’m learning.

Another word I’m learning… HONOR. Not honor like in selfish honor, not for myself…but rather for my husband. To honor him. To let him lead. You see, I believe wholeheartedly that God created an order of things. It’s obvious throughout all creation. He placed a specific order for life to exist. Dive into science and you’ll see right away that all it takes is the slightest tiniest amount of imbalance, and all of life will go out of whack. So if God is to be the head, and man the head of his wife, just how “out of balance” will a marriage be if the wife tries to take the leadership of her home? Ephesians 5:22-24, “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” Ah I can hear the women’s liberal movement groaning in horror. “How dare this young lady suggest that we are still expected to somehow be lower than our husbands!” RIGHT….? *sigh* (I hope my sarcasm is showing through here…) I’m curious. Since when has submission EVER translated into somehow being in a “lower” position? Does being submissive somehow devalue a person? NO! In fact, I believe it’s quite the opposite! What greater way can I show love and respect and HONOR to my husband than to show the depth of my trust in him as the LEADER of my home, of our lives, than to give him authority over me? Take a look at Christ. He was submissive to God! Are we not to follow His example? And women, let’s not forget…when we marry; we become ONE with our spouse. So really, I’m honoring not only my husband, but myself as well. It’s a difficult concept to grasp, I know! I don’t claim to have all the answers, I’m still learning every day.

And that’s the whole point of this blog. I’m LEARNING. It’s a PROCESS. I stumble, I fall, I scrape my knees, bang my head against a wall now and then…but then I pick myself back up and I’m BETTER for it, because I’m LEARNING.

God is doing amazing things in our lives right now. I’m still waiting to see exactly what is coming. If I let the fear get a hold of my heart and I try to take “control”…I’ll get in the way of the blessings that God desires to bestow upon my husband and I. Right now, a 70,000 acre ranch looms in our future. It will or won’t come to fruition. I try to grasp what it would really mean to uproot ourselves and move many hours from our families, our friends, the place we’ve called home for quite a long time; and for me personally…my whole life. It means a lifestyle change, a culture shock, something so far from anything I’ve ever known but only dreamed of… and while I must admit when the news came to us that this may truly be happening, fear overwhelmed me so heavily that I cried for hours. I mean…wait a second, this is our wildest dreams come true…right? *sigh* Yeah, it is…but it’s also the scariest decision we’ve ever faced. Definitely the biggest decision we’ve had to make as husband and wife; and quite possibly will be the biggest decision we EVER make as husband and wife. So a lot of turmoil has been happening in my heart over this last week. But God spoke to me; and I’ve shared part of that with you here in this blog.

I’ve learned…that if I let go; and God is truly in control; what do I really have to fear? If He takes me to the middle-of-nowhere’sville away from everything I’ve ever known (which happens to be on one of the largest ranches in the State of Oregon) …why be afraid, if that is where He desires for my husband and I to be? If God called me to be a missionary in Paraguay, would I allow fear to stop me from following that calling, or would I let Him be in control and take me there? Or if God keeps me right here in Western Washington, can I trust that He has my best in mind for the goodness of His purposes?

I’ve learned…the answer is yes. Yes I can. He can, and will use me, wherever He takes me. You see; this…this wonderful place called Earth… is my temporary home. No matter where He takes me here; my destination is still the same. Where I trod between now and then matters little; save that I make a difference in the lives of others who share the journey here on this little speck of dust in a vast universe.

Am I a control freak? Yeah…pretty much. But I’d love to reach the point where I can say wholeheartedly I’m a control freak not because I am in control….but rather because GOD is in control.

I’m learning…

The Great Commission

Or...is it more appropriate to say "The Great Commission - Except Your Homeland..."

Ok, forgive me, I'm going to rant a bit. This is a subject that has tweaked me my whole life, and then I came across something this week that rekindled my irate side; hence my current state of mind. So...bear with me. I know I'm likely going to tick someone off, probably going to have people disagree, and likely there will be a few who will point out why I should think differently; but that's ok! If my thinking is off, by all means, take me to the Scriptures that prove me wrong!

The Great Commission: "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Matthew 28:19-20

Pretty straightforward. Disciples of all nations. Key word: ALL.

When I stop and think about missions, I think of all the countries our churches have entered to spread the Gospel. I think of all the wonderful things that have been done for so many people, churches planted, schools started. Missionaries who have given their lives to reach people who have never heard of Christ. It is humbling to realize just how immense the impact has been spreading the Good News. I have visions of precious little children gathered around a missionary, all smiles lighting their adorable faces. I think of countless stories of lives changed. Tears run down my cheeks as I think about the Kingdom growing, as these locals who have a newfound faith in God spread their joy to their countrymen.

Got the warm fuzzies yet? (sorry for the sarcasm...)

Don't get me wrong, I am dead serious when I say I have every bit of support for mission work abroad. As the above Scripture points out, this is EXACTLY what we are called to do! Simply put, I'm wondering what has happened to noticing our own front yard. You see...it seems to me that while we're so busy going overseas and finding the dark corners of the earth; we manage to miss the glaring problems right outside our doors. Have we closed our eyes to our own neighbors?

Gay marriage. Divorce. Abortions. Murder. Theft. Lies. Poverty. I can't begin to write a list...it would take too long. And I'm not just talking about the big stuff either. What about the person who sits across the aisle from you in church? What do they struggle with? Maybe the man passing out the offering plate has a deep seeded anger that needs healing. Or the woman singing the special music is secretly wondering if anyone knows that she slept with the usher. Or maybe when you were driving home from church you rolled down your window and handed a $5 bill to the guy holding a sign at the stoplight. I mean hey...maybe he'll go buy a burger and not a six-pack, right?

C'MON CHRISTIANS...WAKE UP!!!

I'm speaking to myself here, so don't think me a hypocrite. I'm as guilty as anyone else, and I'll be the first to tell you. It's time to seriously take a look at the world around us; and while we mustn't forget the souls outside our homeland...we also mustn't ignore our neighbors, our brothers in this country we call HOME.

If we are to make disciples of all nations, I want to make sure that I don't overlook the very people who share my blood, who are right here close to me. Every day as I watch the news, I shudder at the realization that the United States continue to move farther and farther away from a Christian foundation. I mean seriously...a lady marrying a BUILDING...?? (yep, it's true... http://www.komonews.com/news/local/Woman-warehouse-wed-as-some-object-reference-to-gay-marriage-138298184.html ) and while I realize this is a bizarre extreme... this is our world people!

"...teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you..." Have you noticed how little we actually do this? When do we actually talk about sin? Do we really own the Scriptures that teach us right from wrong? Or are we afraid we might "offend someone"...? I'm speaking from experience. I lived with my husband for 5 years before we got married. I KNOW what it's like to disobey. I know firsthand the areas that sin damaged our lives. I knew the truth and still chose to live in sin. But are we really willing to talk about it? What would happen if I reached out to other couples who are living together outside of marriage? What impact would I have on the youth in my life if I had the guts to dig deep into my heart and lay out bare the wounds that sin left behind? Or better yet, how God has filled those wounds; healing me and shaping me into His servant after my heart was repentant? And that's just my story. What about YOUR story? What would happen if we were truly REAL with the people around us? Could we really let go of our pride enough to look at Scripture's truths and live them out? How many people would be positively affected if we simply open our doors, step out into our "front yard" and share our lives?

Think for a moment about one story you've heard in your life about a missionary overseas who lost their life for the Gospel. I'm sure you can think of at least one. I know I for one, think about how amazing that is, how brave they are for leaving home to spread God's word...at the cost of their life. But then I stop in my tracks and ask... Would I do that? What about right here in the United States of America...? Would I stand up for my faith in Christ; even to death? Am I willing to speak out against Gay marriage and a whole host of other issues that are plaguing the political realm in this country I call home...even if it means someday I may go to jail for "discrimination"...? Am I willing to speak the TRUTH?

These are serious questions. Hard questions. But as I sit here cuddling my infant son, I'm drawn to wondering what this country will be like when he is an adult. I want to do everything in my power to make it a place he is proud to call home.

My prayer is that my life will touch those around me; that as I follow the Great Commission I don't look past the people God has placed in my life; and that I boldly share the truth of God's commandments and His great love for us!

And with that rant over...a dirty diaper calls my name! Yep, changing the world one dirty diaper at a time...! ;)

Mary...what DID you know?

This morning as I listened to Christmas music gently filling the rooms of this old farm house, my baby boy wiggling excitedly on his blanket in front of the fireplace, this song came across the stereo.

Mary Did You Know

Mary did you know that your baby boy will one day walk on water?
Mary did you know that your baby boy will save our sons and daughters?
Did you know that your baby boy has come to make you new?
This child that you've delivered, will soon deliver you.

Mary did you know that your baby boy will give sight to a blind man?
Mary did you know that your baby boy will calm a storm with his hand?
Did you know that your baby boy has walked where angels trod?
And when you kiss your little baby, you have kissed the face of God.

The blind will see, the deaf will hear and the dead will live again.
The lame will leap, the dumb will speak, the praises of the lamb.

Mary did you know that your baby boy is Lord of all creation?
Mary did you know that your baby boy will one day rule the nations?
Did you know that your baby boy is heaven's perfect Lamb?
This sleeping child you're holding is the great I am.
I got to wondering; Mary...just what did you know? What was it really like?

Having given birth to my first son in this last year, my mind began tumbling end over end with questions.

What was it really like to be a young woman, a virgin, having never touched a man, yet carrying a growing life within? What fears followed you along this journey? In the quiet of the night, what questions plagued your mind? Or was the Holy Spirit so thoroughly resting with you that you knew nothing but peace? Having experienced the extreme discomfort of those last weeks of pregnancy, how on earth did you handle riding on the back of a donkey for so many miles? I had all the comforts of a hospital bed (ok you snickering ladies that are thinking that hospital beds are NOT comfortable...) I had a full medical team at my fingertips, the room was warm and full of light, fresh and clean. I cannot even begin to fathom what it would be like to lie on a bed of straw on a cold dirt floor, the only medical team present chewing their cud, and the room full of manure...far from that crisp, fresh cleanliness that I experienced. My husband was by my side, he was my support and I never could have gone through birth without him. But he was simply my support, my love, my strength...he didn't have to deliver our baby. What was it like for you, to not only have Joseph supporting you and giving you his strength, but also putting on the catcher's mit and guiding your son to his first breath? I felt God's presence with me with each breath I took throughout the labor of my son; what was it like for you? Could you feel God watching the birth of His son? Did He whisper encouragement into your ear? Was He there cradeling you in His arms, wiping the sweat from your brow? Just how aware were you of the enormity of the miracle that you were a part of?

My questions could go on and on. Mary, your story has never captured my heart or felt so real to me as it does this Christmas. What a blessed role you played, to be the mother of our Savior. How I would love to sit and chat over a cup of coffee, from one mother to another, to share the secrets that only mothers understand.

I find myself examining my own heart, wondering if I am capable of being as humble as Mary, to set aside my own agendas, my own plans and dreams and allow God to have full control of my life. Do I trust Him enough...?

“I am the Lord’s servant,” Mary answered. “May it be to me as you have said.” Luke 1:38

My prayer for this Christmas is that I follow in Mary's footsteps of humility, bowing before my Lord with these words, redardless of what is ahead of me, that I might also be able to say "May it be to me as you have said."

Merry Christmas everyone!

Four-month-old Forgiveness

Dark brown eyes sparkle as they intently look into mine. Peals of laughter dance on the air, a smile like none other brightening the room. Every inch of the little body is quivering with excitement, coos and razzing all desperate attempts responding to the sound of my voice. It's a conversation that no one understands, no clear communication is happening save the pure enjoyment of mother and son soaking up a moment that will all too soon end. Standing in my lap, my hands wrapped around his waist, his fists crammed to his lips as drool slithers its way down his chin, the moment suddenly shatters as mommy makes the mistake of sitting him down. What a split second before had been sheer joy was now replaced with a frowning face, a pouting lip, eyes scrunched shut and a sob that was quickly becoming a fit of tears. I lift my little imp back to his feet, soothing him with a kiss on the cheek and an apology on my lips; his eyes open up and with a squeal of delight his smile returns. Mommy was just forgiven.

I have to take a moment to stop and ask myself: What would this world be like, if we could so easily let go when someone needs forgiving? Can I so easily put a smile back on my face, genuine and authentic, no faleshoods or niceties to cover my heart? Can I love so freely that the love so consumes me that there is no room for holding a grudge? Can I forgive?

Christ did. He carried every bit of the burden of my sin, every wrong I've committed from the day I was born to the day that I die. His arms open wide, his heart so full of love for me; He not only forgave me but let go and the stains upon me are forgotten. Much like the smile that lit up my precious 4 month-old's face; so my Savior is smiling upon me.

My prayer tonight as I fall into bed; that I may so easily let go, and with love, smile upon those around me who need forgiving.

Ephesians 1:7-8 "In Him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding."

2am and All is Well

In the late night hours of no sleep thanks to a certain smiling, cooing, drooly-faced wide-eyed munchkin; the Lord knocked on the door of my heart and reminded me of something He's been asking me to do.

Start a new blog.

So here goes: Redeemed Ramblings.

Fanny Crosby couldn't have more accurately portrayed the words that I hope to share here.

Redeemed, how I love to proclaim it!
Redeemed by the blood of the Lamb;
Redeemed through His infinite mercy,
His child and forever I am.

Redeemed, redeemed,
Redeemed by the blood of the Lamb;
Redeemed, redeemed,
His child and forever I am.

Redeemed, and so happy in Jesus,
No language my rapture can tell;
I know that the light of His presence
With me doth continually dwell.

I think of my blessed Redeemer,
I think of Him all the day long:
I sing, for I cannot be silent;
His love is the theme of my song.

I know I shall see in his beauty
The King in whose way I delight;
Who lovingly gaurdeth my footsteps,
And giveth me songs in the night.

I know there’s a crown that is waiting,
In yonder bright mansion for me,
And soon, with the spirits made perfect,
At home with the Lord I shall be.



This life I live has been one full of my Heavenly Father's redeeming grace; His redemption has been the theme of my life; for me, my husband, our pasts and our lives together; threaded like a colorful tapestry that only the Great Redeemer could orchestrate.

With that thought, my bed is waiting; I can't help but smile that He "gave me this song in the night". I look forward to sharing as my mind rambles on...

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