When Faith is Hard...

So what do you do when you trust God with all you have, believing He will provide, and time and time again everything around you comes crashing down?

How do you deal with constant disappointments? How do you continue believing that God will meet your needs when doors appear open before you and just as you put your foot across the threshold; BAM ... the door slams shut. You stepped forward in faith, you sought God's will, and time after time the very thing you hoped would help turn life around falls flat and instead your circumstances have become more dire.

I need answers. My usually rock-solid faith has suffered so severely these last few months that I'm reaching the point where giving up looks like the best option. I've reached the point where faith feels like a set-up for extreme hurt. I've watched expectantly, excitedly, as I thought God was moving, only to see circumstance after circumstance turn out the exact opposite of my hopes.

Today was my last blow. It's not something I can talk about freely, but just another issue in what has become a list so long I'm shaking in bewilderment that once again I'm bawling my eyes out and screaming "why" at God... instead of singing praises for His provisions.

And here comes Christmas, a new baby to be born, and not one bit of hope that we will even be able to continue to afford to have a roof over our heads to keep her and my precious toddler safe.

So...what would YOU do?

When God is Silent

Wow, last time I posted...it was April... I didn't even know that we had a new baby on the way! Yes, if this is news to you, in just 8 weeks, a precious baby girl will be in our arms! Can't wait for the New Year!

 

But, that isn't what I sat down to write about. I'm not here to discuss Theology, or even contemplate Scripture. Today I'm going to just be gut-level honest about the last few months of life. If you follow me on Facebook, you know that it's been rough.

 

In all honesty, I'm not even sure where to start. So, as this Blog is so aptly named "Redeemed Ramblings" ... I'm going to just ramble.

 

It's no secret that my husband and I live on a low income since this recession started. After losing both our home and employment all at the same moment (literally, we lived where we worked) in January 2009, we then endured a full year and a half of living off of unemployment checks. Thankfully in late summer of 2010 Eric got a part-time job.

 

It seemed that everything in our lives was stuck in "temporary" mode. The rental house we moved into was "temporary" until we could get our life a little more stable. When Eric was hired to work part-time, we considered it a "temporary" step before moving on to something more permanent. In the time following, we shared our vows and became husband and wife, and welcomed our first son into the world. And as I've stated above; we're about to meet our daughter for the very first time!

 

It is now mid-November, 2012. And... we're still sitting in the same spot... that "temporary" mode appears to be far more permanent than we would have ever dreamed. We're still in the same rental home, and Eric is still working the same part-time job. The problem with that... we are sitting on a sinking ship. We have watched every penny of our savings used up to survive. More than once in the last few years we have faced the reality that we were down to literally our very last penny, and at one point... we were so overdrawn thanks to a serious mistake with our checking accounts and credit cards, we were so upside down we didn't know how we'd climb out. But God pulled through for us, and every time we have ended up with our backs against a wall, somehow a miracle has come about to pull us through.

 

But what do you do, when it seems that God is silent?

 

In October, my husband and I were met with an opportunity that greatly excited us. Without explaining all the details, we finally had some money set aside in the bank, enough to make a small down payment on a property if we could possibly find one we could afford. If I back up a step, I should share with you that last winter/early spring, we began looking for an opprotunity to purchase a home of our own. We started hunting through all the realty listings we could find, and even viewed a few properties that caught our interest. We were primarily just "window" shopping, but we had a remote hope that somehow God could work a miracle for us and maybe we'd find something. We did, we fell in love with an old farm that needed a lot of work. We began the process of financing and in March we got the blow to our gut that showed us the true reality of where we were at financially simply would not allow us to get a home loan. It was a hard reality to swallow. Ok, now back to October. As I said, we finally had a bit of money in the bank to help with a purchase of a home should we find one. I had never really given up looking at real estate listings, it sort of grew on me as a part-time hobby when I had time sitting at my computer to just browse what was on the market. If nothing else, it kept me abreast of what was selling and what wasn't, and I had a good idea of what kind of prices homes were really going for. In September, we found a bank-owned property that we really liked. But... the home was completely gutted. It didn't even have a bathroom. It was a beautiful home, more than one storey, and on 5 acres of land. Again we started the process of learning what we could make work through a bank if they would finance us. Much to our surprise, we now qualified for a much better loan than we had earlier in the year. Quite prayerfully, we laid everything at God's feet, and had an offer ready to place on the property. We contacted the realtor to make the offer, only to learn the property had been sold the day before. We were quite disappointed, but continued trusting that God would provide a way for something to work for us.

 

And then one evening, I came across a brand new listing, a bank-owned foreclosure home sitting on just under 5 acres of land. It had a 3 storey house and a small barn, pastures set up for livestock, and the asking price was only $75,000. We contacted the realtor, and went and took a look. The moment we drove into the driveway, we were in love. And when we walked through the house, we were convinced this was the home for us. Every step we took as we viewed the property we fell more and more in love with what we were seeing. To say we were excited is an understatement. Our hopes were soaring higher than the clouds. Granted, this home needed a TON of work, but...that's what we've hoped for. A fixer-home that we can make our own. Something that we can add our personal touch to and make it truly ours.

 

The insanity of trying to make purchasing this property work had just begun. We had no idea what we were up against. Turned out, not only was the property bank owned, but you couldn't go through conventional channels to purchase the property. The owning bank (which we later learned is a company out of somewhere in India??!!) had listed the property through an auction website, although they weren't actually auctioning the property, they were looking for a "best offer" sale. Then we also learned... this property was built with NO building permits. Uh-oh. That's a big big problem. It means banks don't want to loan on the property, and it also meant because we (and others) were communicating with the county assessor's office, this property was now mega on the radar with the county inspectors. It suddenly became a property that we couldn't just buy and move in to. We prayed, we prayed like crazy. We asked God to show us what to do. Over and over and over again, we felt it confirmed that we were to move forward with purchasing the property, to allow God to open what doors needed to be opened, and close what doors needed to be closed. So, we made an offer. We based our offer on the fact that such a huge amount of work would be needed to bring the home up to code (if it could even be done). That offer was for $45,000. Our offer was rejected, because the loan we had secured was a "rehab" loan, and not a standard, conventional loan. Other offers were on the table from other buyers, and buyer after buyer fell through. We worked with our lending bank, and secured another form of loan, also a rehab loan, but apparently slightly more acceptable? (who knows the weirdness of banks/realty companies...) We had somewhat come to the conclusion that the door had simply been closed by the Lord and that our hopes of buying the property were gone. It looked like a sale was finally going through. And then one evening, we got a text message from the realtor telling us that the property was again available, and that we should submit another offer if we were still interested. So again, we prayerfully put it before the Lord and felt that the door was open, so we made another offer. This time, our offer was only $35,000 (which by the way, was the new asking price for the property... its purchase price kept steadily dropping as buyer after buyer fell through) and, on October 7th, we were informed that our offer was accepted. We were literally dancing around our house our excitement was so elated!  We had made an offer $10,000 less than our previous offer, we were confident this was God's way of blessing us with a home even cheaper than we had originally planned. The very next day, we were in the realtor's office signing all the necessary contracts needed for purchasing the property. And just like that, we had our earnest money put down on the property, and in just a few weeks the deal would close and we would be home owners. To say our current home became a bustle of activity as we began wildly making plans to get all our "ducks-in-a-row" to be ready to make the transition happen...would be a gross understatement. Financially it would be a very very tight transition as we would have to attempt floating a new mortgage payment, and rent until we could move to our new property. It was dozens upon dozens of phone calls to engineers and contractors and septic/plumbing, and and and... all to help us figure out the steps needed to bring the home up to code. It was sitting and crunching numbers like mad making sure we could really make this work without putting ourselves in jeopardy of going upside down. I even had pulled boxes into the house to begin packing and sorting the completely unnecessary things we had stored upstairs. All this was the day after we signed the contracts.

 

...And then...

 

Just 24 hours after we signed the contracts, our realtor contacted us. The bank owning the property we were purchasing contacted him and said they had looked over our contract and were rejecting our offer because they wanted a cash-only deal.

 

Boom. Just like that. Deal over.

 

 

Our earnest money was returned. The contract was broken. We  were no longer purchasing the house/property we had fallen in love with. It was a blow that left us laying awake for hours crying our eyes out. It still makes the tears sting my eyes to think of my husband holding me as we both cried.

 

The blow got even worse. As I checked the status of the property the very day after our deal was rejected, the listing website had re-listed the property for sale, and stated in bold print "Conventional Financing Considered".

 

WAIT.

WHAT???!!!

 

After contacting our realtor about this, he wasn't sure what was going on, but when he contacted the bank that owns the property, they informed him that they had made some changes and a new employee was handling the property, and that yes, they would consider allowing the property to be purchased with a conventional loan. But... they had just accepted an offer for $36,500. We could make a back-up offer that would be considered if the sale were to fall through again.

 

It hasn't fallen through. And this week, the property will reach closing.

 

I'm not going to lie. Eric and I have literally been devestated by this. We have never so fully placed our faith in God, so fully laid everything before Him. I'm not saying God made a mistake, so please don't get me wrong. It's just... why?

 

Why? If none of it was to be, why did we get to the point where it looked like everything was falling into place, that all the doors were open?

 

That wasn't all that the month of October had to deal to us. The very same week that our purchase fell through, one of our very best friends passed away. And on October 31st, we heard from the bank that was approving us for a home loan. Apparently... the "rules" have changed, and we no longer qualify for a loan. So... even if the property we fell so in love with comes available again; unless we can secure financing from another lending company, (which yes, we are attempting to do, but it doesnt' look promising) we can't even move forward with a purchase. That same day, we got hit with the news that my husband can't get health insurance through the state like we had hoped, and we don't qualify for cash help...which we desperately hoped would help us pay for heating our home this winter.

 Depressed?

 

Yep. Pretty much.

 

It has seemed that every little thing we have tried to help get our feet underneath us has fallen through. And that money we have set away in the bank? Well... I won't put all the numbers out here for the public to read... but our rent is killing us. We are spending too much each month living here and you don't even want to know what it takes to heat this house in the winter. So... each month, that money we have set aside keeps getting smaller, and smaller. We know what is coming. Math doesn't lie. By spring, we'll have nothing left in the bank.

 

So what do you do, when God is silent?

 

Ok, we can argue that God has something good in all this for us. And I'm sure He does. But I'm sure you too have gone through those times in life when it seems that God isn't answering. You feel as though He is far, far away.

 

That's where we are right now. God is silent right now, and we are constantly listening, constantly seeking, constantly laying everything at His feet, hoping that something will change. But we are discouraged. Very, very discouraged. We will soon have a new baby in our home. We have a toddler who needs clothing. And while yes, we're still making ends meet right now; it's so hard to look at the future and wonder how we'll make it all work.

 

We still shed tears... sometimes almost daily. We feel trapped, stuck, still desiring that "permanent" place that we have been looking for.

 

God is silent. For now. It just means we're listening... harder than ever before.

Control Freak Confessions

It’s been quite a long while since I last sat to write here; not because of lack of subjects to cross my mind; more a lack of time to write my thoughts down! Many days during my devotions I think, “Wow this would be a great subject to write about!” And often while I’m in the shower my mind debates Theology and things I’ve learned/read in God’s Word. Oh if I could just write all those thoughts down! J

Today, as the title of this blog indicates, I’m going to confess an area of my own heart, one of those nasty areas that seem to plague women especially, and a subject that we often try to avoid.

Control.

There. I said it. Dirty word, isn’t it?

Time to be brutally honest. C’mon, you know you’re guilty too. It’s that part of us that wants to have the reigns in our hands, our world in a neat little box, the desire to make everything fall into place in what we conclude to be “perfect”. You know what else it is?

Selfish.

Oooo. Two dirty words in a row! Think about it for a minute. Can you possibly remove selfishness from the definition of control? Let’s look at what the dictionary says: Control –-  1.  to exercise authority or power over something. 2. to limit or restrict something or someone.

It’s that second definition that really sticks out to me. The words “limit” and “restrict”. You see…God has been working on my heart, showing me with brutal honesty just how much I have to let go of control. Truth is, He’s been teaching me this lesson for many years now, and while I know it will be a constant theme in my life; right now it has taken a renewed spot center stage as God molds me into the woman He desires me to be.

When I stop to think about what I desire for my life, my husband and my son; the words “limit’ and “restrict” just really don’t fit into the picture. But, I know my heart, and I know how often I try to control circumstances, situations, and sadly even the very people I love on occasion. If I remove the word “control” and say that I am limiting and restricting the circumstances, situations, and people I love… my gosh, what potential wonderful things am I throwing a wall in front of?

I’ve had to ask myself, “What causes me to desire to control things?”

The answer: FEAR.

Yep. There’s dirty word number three. If I dig right down to the very core of what makes me tick; what makes me respond negatively, or attempt to put the brakes on; it’s almost always fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of the what-ifs, sometimes seemingly legitimate fear, and sometimes completely irrational fear. It’s the driving force behind my attempts to control life around me.

I’ve gone round and round with God on this subject before, and while I do have to happily point out that this time is nowhere near as brutal as the last time (yeah, it was ugly) …dang it hurts! Really, I mean…who wants to look in the mirror and say, “Control freak” and realize it’s your reflection staring back at you?! Ok, I’m being melodramatic, but in all seriousness…this is NOT WHAT GOD WANTS FOR US DEAR LADIES!!

Time to throw out some good words, words that God has been teaching me and using in my life to mold me and shape me into something beautiful.

Submission.

How many of you balk as soon as you read that word? I used to. In fact, there’s still a part of me that squirms and thinks, “No!” But…I’m learning, and watching my heart change as I strive to submit; to let go when everything in me wants control. I love this verse from James 4, “Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” (v.7)  As I studied this today, it dawned on me…when I want to take control; I’m not resisting the devil. You see, Satan wants me to take control of my life. If I’m the one calling the shots, handling the reigns, in the driver’s seat, whatever metaphor you want to give it…then God CAN’T be. If I’m in control, God isn’t in control. And when I get right down to it….which would I really prefer? My finite, pitiful mind full of the sinful nature to be ruling my life, or the infinite, all-powerful, all knowing Prince of Peace, Creator of Heaven and Earth to rule me….which do I want? Well, the answer is pretty obvious…but sadly I don’t always live that way. Which is why… I’m learning.

Another word I’m learning… HONOR. Not honor like in selfish honor, not for myself…but rather for my husband. To honor him. To let him lead. You see, I believe wholeheartedly that God created an order of things. It’s obvious throughout all creation. He placed a specific order for life to exist. Dive into science and you’ll see right away that all it takes is the slightest tiniest amount of imbalance, and all of life will go out of whack. So if God is to be the head, and man the head of his wife, just how “out of balance” will a marriage be if the wife tries to take the leadership of her home? Ephesians 5:22-24, “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” Ah I can hear the women’s liberal movement groaning in horror. “How dare this young lady suggest that we are still expected to somehow be lower than our husbands!” RIGHT….? *sigh* (I hope my sarcasm is showing through here…) I’m curious. Since when has submission EVER translated into somehow being in a “lower” position? Does being submissive somehow devalue a person? NO! In fact, I believe it’s quite the opposite! What greater way can I show love and respect and HONOR to my husband than to show the depth of my trust in him as the LEADER of my home, of our lives, than to give him authority over me? Take a look at Christ. He was submissive to God! Are we not to follow His example? And women, let’s not forget…when we marry; we become ONE with our spouse. So really, I’m honoring not only my husband, but myself as well. It’s a difficult concept to grasp, I know! I don’t claim to have all the answers, I’m still learning every day.

And that’s the whole point of this blog. I’m LEARNING. It’s a PROCESS. I stumble, I fall, I scrape my knees, bang my head against a wall now and then…but then I pick myself back up and I’m BETTER for it, because I’m LEARNING.

God is doing amazing things in our lives right now. I’m still waiting to see exactly what is coming. If I let the fear get a hold of my heart and I try to take “control”…I’ll get in the way of the blessings that God desires to bestow upon my husband and I. Right now, a 70,000 acre ranch looms in our future. It will or won’t come to fruition. I try to grasp what it would really mean to uproot ourselves and move many hours from our families, our friends, the place we’ve called home for quite a long time; and for me personally…my whole life. It means a lifestyle change, a culture shock, something so far from anything I’ve ever known but only dreamed of… and while I must admit when the news came to us that this may truly be happening, fear overwhelmed me so heavily that I cried for hours. I mean…wait a second, this is our wildest dreams come true…right? *sigh* Yeah, it is…but it’s also the scariest decision we’ve ever faced. Definitely the biggest decision we’ve had to make as husband and wife; and quite possibly will be the biggest decision we EVER make as husband and wife. So a lot of turmoil has been happening in my heart over this last week. But God spoke to me; and I’ve shared part of that with you here in this blog.

I’ve learned…that if I let go; and God is truly in control; what do I really have to fear? If He takes me to the middle-of-nowhere’sville away from everything I’ve ever known (which happens to be on one of the largest ranches in the State of Oregon) …why be afraid, if that is where He desires for my husband and I to be? If God called me to be a missionary in Paraguay, would I allow fear to stop me from following that calling, or would I let Him be in control and take me there? Or if God keeps me right here in Western Washington, can I trust that He has my best in mind for the goodness of His purposes?

I’ve learned…the answer is yes. Yes I can. He can, and will use me, wherever He takes me. You see; this…this wonderful place called Earth… is my temporary home. No matter where He takes me here; my destination is still the same. Where I trod between now and then matters little; save that I make a difference in the lives of others who share the journey here on this little speck of dust in a vast universe.

Am I a control freak? Yeah…pretty much. But I’d love to reach the point where I can say wholeheartedly I’m a control freak not because I am in control….but rather because GOD is in control.

I’m learning…

The Great Commission

Or...is it more appropriate to say "The Great Commission - Except Your Homeland..."

Ok, forgive me, I'm going to rant a bit. This is a subject that has tweaked me my whole life, and then I came across something this week that rekindled my irate side; hence my current state of mind. So...bear with me. I know I'm likely going to tick someone off, probably going to have people disagree, and likely there will be a few who will point out why I should think differently; but that's ok! If my thinking is off, by all means, take me to the Scriptures that prove me wrong!

The Great Commission: "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Matthew 28:19-20

Pretty straightforward. Disciples of all nations. Key word: ALL.

When I stop and think about missions, I think of all the countries our churches have entered to spread the Gospel. I think of all the wonderful things that have been done for so many people, churches planted, schools started. Missionaries who have given their lives to reach people who have never heard of Christ. It is humbling to realize just how immense the impact has been spreading the Good News. I have visions of precious little children gathered around a missionary, all smiles lighting their adorable faces. I think of countless stories of lives changed. Tears run down my cheeks as I think about the Kingdom growing, as these locals who have a newfound faith in God spread their joy to their countrymen.

Got the warm fuzzies yet? (sorry for the sarcasm...)

Don't get me wrong, I am dead serious when I say I have every bit of support for mission work abroad. As the above Scripture points out, this is EXACTLY what we are called to do! Simply put, I'm wondering what has happened to noticing our own front yard. You see...it seems to me that while we're so busy going overseas and finding the dark corners of the earth; we manage to miss the glaring problems right outside our doors. Have we closed our eyes to our own neighbors?

Gay marriage. Divorce. Abortions. Murder. Theft. Lies. Poverty. I can't begin to write a list...it would take too long. And I'm not just talking about the big stuff either. What about the person who sits across the aisle from you in church? What do they struggle with? Maybe the man passing out the offering plate has a deep seeded anger that needs healing. Or the woman singing the special music is secretly wondering if anyone knows that she slept with the usher. Or maybe when you were driving home from church you rolled down your window and handed a $5 bill to the guy holding a sign at the stoplight. I mean hey...maybe he'll go buy a burger and not a six-pack, right?

C'MON CHRISTIANS...WAKE UP!!!

I'm speaking to myself here, so don't think me a hypocrite. I'm as guilty as anyone else, and I'll be the first to tell you. It's time to seriously take a look at the world around us; and while we mustn't forget the souls outside our homeland...we also mustn't ignore our neighbors, our brothers in this country we call HOME.

If we are to make disciples of all nations, I want to make sure that I don't overlook the very people who share my blood, who are right here close to me. Every day as I watch the news, I shudder at the realization that the United States continue to move farther and farther away from a Christian foundation. I mean seriously...a lady marrying a BUILDING...?? (yep, it's true... http://www.komonews.com/news/local/Woman-warehouse-wed-as-some-object-reference-to-gay-marriage-138298184.html ) and while I realize this is a bizarre extreme... this is our world people!

"...teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you..." Have you noticed how little we actually do this? When do we actually talk about sin? Do we really own the Scriptures that teach us right from wrong? Or are we afraid we might "offend someone"...? I'm speaking from experience. I lived with my husband for 5 years before we got married. I KNOW what it's like to disobey. I know firsthand the areas that sin damaged our lives. I knew the truth and still chose to live in sin. But are we really willing to talk about it? What would happen if I reached out to other couples who are living together outside of marriage? What impact would I have on the youth in my life if I had the guts to dig deep into my heart and lay out bare the wounds that sin left behind? Or better yet, how God has filled those wounds; healing me and shaping me into His servant after my heart was repentant? And that's just my story. What about YOUR story? What would happen if we were truly REAL with the people around us? Could we really let go of our pride enough to look at Scripture's truths and live them out? How many people would be positively affected if we simply open our doors, step out into our "front yard" and share our lives?

Think for a moment about one story you've heard in your life about a missionary overseas who lost their life for the Gospel. I'm sure you can think of at least one. I know I for one, think about how amazing that is, how brave they are for leaving home to spread God's word...at the cost of their life. But then I stop in my tracks and ask... Would I do that? What about right here in the United States of America...? Would I stand up for my faith in Christ; even to death? Am I willing to speak out against Gay marriage and a whole host of other issues that are plaguing the political realm in this country I call home...even if it means someday I may go to jail for "discrimination"...? Am I willing to speak the TRUTH?

These are serious questions. Hard questions. But as I sit here cuddling my infant son, I'm drawn to wondering what this country will be like when he is an adult. I want to do everything in my power to make it a place he is proud to call home.

My prayer is that my life will touch those around me; that as I follow the Great Commission I don't look past the people God has placed in my life; and that I boldly share the truth of God's commandments and His great love for us!

And with that rant over...a dirty diaper calls my name! Yep, changing the world one dirty diaper at a time...! ;)