It’s been quite a long while since I last sat to write here; not because of lack of subjects to cross my mind; more a lack of time to write my thoughts down! Many days during my devotions I think, “Wow this would be a great subject to write about!” And often while I’m in the shower my mind debates Theology and things I’ve learned/read in God’s Word. Oh if I could just write all those thoughts down! J
Today, as the title of this blog indicates, I’m going to confess an area of my own heart, one of those nasty areas that seem to plague women especially, and a subject that we often try to avoid.
Control.
There. I said it. Dirty word, isn’t it?
Time to be brutally honest. C’mon, you know you’re guilty too. It’s that part of us that wants to have the reigns in our hands, our world in a neat little box, the desire to make everything fall into place in what we conclude to be “perfect”. You know what else it is?
Selfish.
Oooo. Two dirty words in a row! Think about it for a minute. Can you possibly remove selfishness from the definition of control? Let’s look at what the dictionary says: Control –- 1. to exercise authority or power over something. 2. to limit or restrict something or someone.
It’s that second definition that really sticks out to me. The words “limit” and “restrict”. You see…God has been working on my heart, showing me with brutal honesty just how much I have to let go of control. Truth is, He’s been teaching me this lesson for many years now, and while I know it will be a constant theme in my life; right now it has taken a renewed spot center stage as God molds me into the woman He desires me to be.
When I stop to think about what I desire for my life, my husband and my son; the words “limit’ and “restrict” just really don’t fit into the picture. But, I know my heart, and I know how often I try to control circumstances, situations, and sadly even the very people I love on occasion. If I remove the word “control” and say that I am limiting and restricting the circumstances, situations, and people I love… my gosh, what potential wonderful things am I throwing a wall in front of?
I’ve had to ask myself, “What causes me to desire to control things?”
The answer: FEAR.
Yep. There’s dirty word number three. If I dig right down to the very core of what makes me tick; what makes me respond negatively, or attempt to put the brakes on; it’s almost always fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of the what-ifs, sometimes seemingly legitimate fear, and sometimes completely irrational fear. It’s the driving force behind my attempts to control life around me.
I’ve gone round and round with God on this subject before, and while I do have to happily point out that this time is nowhere near as brutal as the last time (yeah, it was ugly) …dang it hurts! Really, I mean…who wants to look in the mirror and say, “Control freak” and realize it’s your reflection staring back at you?! Ok, I’m being melodramatic, but in all seriousness…this is NOT WHAT GOD WANTS FOR US DEAR LADIES!!
Time to throw out some good words, words that God has been teaching me and using in my life to mold me and shape me into something beautiful.
Submission.
How many of you balk as soon as you read that word? I used to. In fact, there’s still a part of me that squirms and thinks, “No!” But…I’m learning, and watching my heart change as I strive to submit; to let go when everything in me wants control. I love this verse from James 4, “Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” (v.7) As I studied this today, it dawned on me…when I want to take control; I’m not resisting the devil. You see, Satan wants me to take control of my life. If I’m the one calling the shots, handling the reigns, in the driver’s seat, whatever metaphor you want to give it…then God CAN’T be. If I’m in control, God isn’t in control. And when I get right down to it….which would I really prefer? My finite, pitiful mind full of the sinful nature to be ruling my life, or the infinite, all-powerful, all knowing Prince of Peace, Creator of Heaven and Earth to rule me….which do I want? Well, the answer is pretty obvious…but sadly I don’t always live that way. Which is why… I’m learning.
Another word I’m learning… HONOR. Not honor like in selfish honor, not for myself…but rather for my husband. To honor him. To let him lead. You see, I believe wholeheartedly that God created an order of things. It’s obvious throughout all creation. He placed a specific order for life to exist. Dive into science and you’ll see right away that all it takes is the slightest tiniest amount of imbalance, and all of life will go out of whack. So if God is to be the head, and man the head of his wife, just how “out of balance” will a marriage be if the wife tries to take the leadership of her home? Ephesians 5:22-24, “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” Ah I can hear the women’s liberal movement groaning in horror. “How dare this young lady suggest that we are still expected to somehow be lower than our husbands!” RIGHT….? *sigh* (I hope my sarcasm is showing through here…) I’m curious. Since when has submission EVER translated into somehow being in a “lower” position? Does being submissive somehow devalue a person? NO! In fact, I believe it’s quite the opposite! What greater way can I show love and respect and HONOR to my husband than to show the depth of my trust in him as the LEADER of my home, of our lives, than to give him authority over me? Take a look at Christ. He was submissive to God! Are we not to follow His example? And women, let’s not forget…when we marry; we become ONE with our spouse. So really, I’m honoring not only my husband, but myself as well. It’s a difficult concept to grasp, I know! I don’t claim to have all the answers, I’m still learning every day.
And that’s the whole point of this blog. I’m LEARNING. It’s a PROCESS. I stumble, I fall, I scrape my knees, bang my head against a wall now and then…but then I pick myself back up and I’m BETTER for it, because I’m LEARNING.
God is doing amazing things in our lives right now. I’m still waiting to see exactly what is coming. If I let the fear get a hold of my heart and I try to take “control”…I’ll get in the way of the blessings that God desires to bestow upon my husband and I. Right now, a 70,000 acre ranch looms in our future. It will or won’t come to fruition. I try to grasp what it would really mean to uproot ourselves and move many hours from our families, our friends, the place we’ve called home for quite a long time; and for me personally…my whole life. It means a lifestyle change, a culture shock, something so far from anything I’ve ever known but only dreamed of… and while I must admit when the news came to us that this may truly be happening, fear overwhelmed me so heavily that I cried for hours. I mean…wait a second, this is our wildest dreams come true…right? *sigh* Yeah, it is…but it’s also the scariest decision we’ve ever faced. Definitely the biggest decision we’ve had to make as husband and wife; and quite possibly will be the biggest decision we EVER make as husband and wife. So a lot of turmoil has been happening in my heart over this last week. But God spoke to me; and I’ve shared part of that with you here in this blog.
I’ve learned…that if I let go; and God is truly in control; what do I really have to fear? If He takes me to the middle-of-nowhere’sville away from everything I’ve ever known (which happens to be on one of the largest ranches in the State of Oregon Paraguay Western Washington , can I trust that He has my best in mind for the goodness of His purposes?
I’ve learned…the answer is yes. Yes I can. He can, and will use me, wherever He takes me. You see; this…this wonderful place called Earth… is my temporary home. No matter where He takes me here; my destination is still the same. Where I trod between now and then matters little; save that I make a difference in the lives of others who share the journey here on this little speck of dust in a vast universe.
Am I a control freak? Yeah…pretty much. But I’d love to reach the point where I can say wholeheartedly I’m a control freak not because I am in control….but rather because GOD is in control.
I’m learning…
